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Anonymous #1
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This is really hard for me. We've only known each other for a month. I like her a lot, she's fun and smart and great in bed. I'm her first proper relationship, and she really likes me. She's great in every way, except for one: dishonesty. This is my number one dealbreaker - if I can't trust her to always tell me the truth about things no matter what, then we can't be together. She doesn't lie about anything too big, it's little things. But it just stops me from being able to trust her. I can't think of any examples, but they're the sort of things that I wouldn't even care about if she just told me the truth. I get the feeling that maybe she doesn't want me to be angry with her and so lies, but I don't think that's any justification. I've told her multiple times that I need complete and total honesty 100% of the time, and she agrees. I should say that there's only been one time when I've actually caught her lying - the rest have just been times when I don't think she's telling the truth. I'm usually a very good lie detector, I pick up on the red flags and go with my gut. The time I caught her out was near the beginning. Basically she told me a conflicting story about her sexual experience. I justified it by saying that she was probably ashamed (even though it was nothing bad). Here's what I'm used to: always telling the truth no matter what. No matter if it will hurt the other person, or if it could be the end of the relationship, or anything. You always tell the truth. And if you don't want to tell the truth for some reason? You say it. That leads to the most beautiful thing - full and unconditional trust. In a relationship trust is EARNED not lost. So tomorrow I'm going to catch her out. There's something semi-big that I'm quite sure she lied about - to do with something one of her friend's friends told me, which was way too close to an actual event to be coincidental. This event was quite personal to me I might add. When I asked her if she'd told anyone about this, she denied it and followed with "I don't remember." Later, this changed to flat out denying that she'd said anything except some very broad stuff. I've connected the dots and I think I know the truth now - it's very simple and makes perfect sense. I'll directly ask her if my theory is the case and see how she reacts. Finally my question: am I overreacting? Is there some way this can work? Should I give her one last chance if it turns out she's lying? It pains me so much to end a beautiful thing prematurely, but I can just see this leading to trouble down the track Edited by Anonymous (03/28/12 12:34 PM) |
 Kukaracha
Cat wannabe
Registered: 12/18/08
Posts: 1,531
Loc: France
Last seen: 44 minutes, 16 seconds | |
You're overreacting.But it's only been one month, maybe you simply don't want to be with her.
However, if you truly like her but her mild hypothetical dishonesty makes you want to end the relationship, then you're a paranoid freak. Too many shrooms. Edited by Kukaracha (03/28/12 01:47 PM) |
Anonymous #1
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I don't think you can really overstate the disadvantages of not being able to trust your partner. That's huge, to me. If my girlfriend tells me something, I want to know that it's true. But yes, reading over what I wrote, I do sound quite paranoid. It's a weird thing, paranoia. You get an idea stuck in your head and then you gather all this evidence to support it, rather than it being the other way around. Pretty scary actually. |
tedthekid
Stranger
Registered: 11/13/11
Posts: 133
Last seen: 1 hour, 13 minutes | |
Yeah man, you're being paranoid.It sounds like you keep drilling her with questions trying to detect lies. She likes you and wants to say the right thing so she gets nervous and slips up. You're trying to make it seem like it's her fault that you don't trust her. If you ask me, it's your fault that you don't trust her. You're showing her no trust by expecting and looking for her to lie. Instead of trying to test her honesty, try to show her love, and make her feel comfortable so that she doesn't think each thing she says will be scrutinized on several levels. Lighten up with her. |
 CureCat
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Registered: 04/19/06
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Loc: clawing your furniture | |
Quote:
Anonymous said:
It's a weird thing, paranoia. You get an idea stuck in your head and then you gather all this evidence to support it, rather than it being the other way around. Pretty scary actually.
Keen observation.? It doesn't sound like you are going against the scientific method (except perhaps with bias, you should be neutral about the results of the data collected), however I have found that applying this method to relationships usually ends badly. |
Kukaracha
Cat wannabe
Registered: 12/18/08
Posts: 1,531
Loc: France
Last seen: 44 minutes, 16 seconds | |
He is not applying any sort of scientific method. The bias here is as big as an elephant.Quote:
She doesn't lie about anything too big, it's little things. [...] I should say that there's only been one time when I've actually caught her lying - the rest have just been times when I don't think she's telling the truth.
He already has an anwser to his doubts before even doing anything.
I stand on my ground, OP is nuts. His GF didn't tell him she ate Mexican food yesterday, and now he's flipping out and wants to end the relationship. |
Anonymous #1
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| Now you're the one making baseless assumptions. The things I'm talking about don't include withholding information - I mean straight up lying. I know she does it, it's really obvious, and if I press her sometimes she'll change her story a bit. I ask her if she's lying and she just keeps denying denying denying, but she never stops to question why I don't trust her. That to me is a bit of a red flag. Plus she answers too quickly, another dead giveaway. I learned that last one from my grandfather, a retired judge. He once asked me if I'd brushed my teeth, when I was about 12. I quickly said yes. He said he knew I was lying because I'd answered too fast. |
Anonymous #2
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| Good for you.? I wouldn't tolerate ANY lying either, from friends or lovers.? It's possibly the most disgusting character trait that anyone can have. |
Kukaracha
Cat wannabe
Registered: 12/18/08
Posts: 1,531
Loc: France
Last seen: 44 minutes, 16 seconds | |
So she's withholding information, right? What kind of information? Does she avoid to give you a daily report of what she has done and where she has been every hour of the day?And of course I'm making assumptions, you're an anonymous poster on a website. Making assumptions about your girlfriend is another thing. But of course, you should NEVER lie, if she comes back from the toilet she should tell you she just took a shit, unless she's "whithholding information". |
livenotonevil
Registered: 01/20/10
Posts: 643 | |
Fuck all I got to was we've only been with eachother a month blah blah A FUCKING MONTH.
 That's when I quite.
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JacksonMetaller
Stranger
Registered: 03/14/11
Posts: 1,327
Loc: Georgia
Last seen: 1 hour, 15 minutes | |
| i'd say talk to her first and tell her whats up. i don't tolerate dishonesty in a relationship, but to be honest she's probably just nervous about telling you everything because ya'll don't know eachother that well yet. she just wants you to like her man. and some truths are uncomfortable with people you just met. just talk to her and give it a little more time. --------------------
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CureCat
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Registered: 04/19/06
Posts: 13,842
Loc: clawing your furniture | |
Quote:
Kukaracha said:
He is not applying any sort of scientific method.
I was sort of joking, but frankly I don't think that we have enough information about the situation to actually judge his methods logical merit.
Quote:
Kukaracha said:
The bias here is as big as an elephant.
..Yeah.? I said that.OP, you should probably break up with her.? This problem will probably get worse, not better, as the relationship progresses.? She may resent you for being too nosy, and you resent her for being unnecessarily dishonest.? Sounds like a lame situation. --------------------
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 mick
living in perverty
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Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6,403
Loc: hb, cali
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yeah if you cant get over that it just sounds like you two are incompatible with one another.
but also, dont be expecting some perfect relationship. i mean if shes hitting 8/10 points for you, maybe just roll with that for a while, unless you want to be single, which is cool to.i will relate with you in one way though, that my gf is more like you actually, where she would probably tell me the truth no matter what, and id be more likely to give a white lie. like saying im having a good time when im actually bored out of my mind. she gets upset at me when i do those things hahah. just cause someone lies every once and a while, does not make them a bad person. it depends on the caliber imo. --------------------
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notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "
ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination." |
Anonymous #2
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Quote:
mick said:
just cause someone lies every once and a while, does not make them a bad person.
That's exactly what it does imo. |
Kukaracha
Cat wannabe
Registered: 12/18/08
Posts: 1,531
Loc: France
Last seen: 44 minutes, 16 seconds | |
Goddamn hippies who think they're pure and morally irreprochable.And then they steal an ounce of weed from their best friend. Duh. |
sun_spots
Don't drink the Kool-Aid
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Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 3,111
Loc: Nirvana
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I believe the idea is to gain a realistic perspective of the situation here, yes?? So.? Here are my thoughts; I hope they help.If you don't feel you can trust her because of white lies,? you are overreacting.? Everyone tells white lies, even you.? How do I know that?? Because EVERYONE does it.? Anyone who denies this is lying. If she's lying about things that affect the foundations of your future together, then yes, I would be concerned.? But before you jump to any conclusions, have a frank discussion with her.? If you feel that she's lying, give her a chance to explain herself.? If after the discussion you still feel that you can't trust her, tell her so.? Decide together what to do. Sounds like you really don't want to end this.? Try to talk openly with her, without being judgmental or condescending, and see what develops.? I believe this will lead to a much more peaceful conclusion, whether you stay together or not. --------------------
The24HourMC said:
that is compltely nothing like what the fuck i said to begin with originally in the first place.
"This is an environment of welcoming, and you should get the hell out." ~Michael Scott
I this thread! |
Anonymous #1
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Quote:
Kukaracha said:
So she's withholding information, right? What kind of information? Does she avoid to give you a daily report of what she has done and where she has been every hour of the day?And of course I'm making assumptions, you're an anonymous poster on a website. Making assumptions about your girlfriend is another thing. But of course, you should NEVER lie, if she comes back from the toilet she should tell you she just took a shit, unless she's "whithholding information".
Dude, I said in plain english: I'm not talking about withholding information |
Enjoywho
Substance Enthusiast
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Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 2,699
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| Im just like your girl, and my girls just like you. "withholding information" are her favorite words for me. Maybe we should trade =p 100% honesty is laughable, and its generally things that dont concern her. |
Anonymous #1
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Quote:
Enjoywho said:
Im just like your girl, and my girls just like you. "withholding information" are her favorite words for me. Maybe we should trade =p 100% honesty is laughable, and its generally things that dont concern her.
DUDE. I don't mean she doesn't tell me things. I mean she will straight up tell me something that isn't true |
Enjoywho
Substance Enthusiast
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Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 2,699
Last seen: 15 hours, 4 seconds | |
| Dunno man, just dump her. You obviously have far too many insecurities about it. |
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