Valuable Relationships Are Not Transactional | Some Wise Guy

One of the earliest lessons I remember (besides ?do what you?re told?) was the importance of family. We always had each other?s back. We worked hard together and played even harder. Family came first, even at the expense of sports.

This weekend I had to teach Wheels not to manipulate his sister and it?s all the Berenstain Bears fault.

In this book there is a scene where Brother asks Sister to play action figures with him (apparently he doesn?t know his audience very well). At first Sister balks at the idea, but then realizes she has the upper hand and negotiates three games of her choosing in exchange for Brother?s one. They play together nicely for a while and entertain themselves presumably without interrupting Mama or Papa.

Every parent?s dream, right?

Unfortunately, Wheels understood the moral of the story to be about savvy bargaining skills instead of explaining bad dreams to young minds.

Wheels and I both have the similar situation of growing up as the first-born and being 5 years older than our younger sibling. This has its perks, but it also presents ample opportunity for manipulating said younger siblings who don?t know any better.

Anyway, Peaches and Wheels were arguing because they had played a game of Wheels?s choosing and it was Peaches turn. Wheels argued that since Peaches wanted to play the game he selected that it didn?t count and, therefore, he didn?t have to play her game.

Whiny voices and aggravated grunts ensued so Daddy intervened.

Relationships Are Not Transactional

First, I explained to Wheels that he misunderstood the moral of the Berenstain Bear story. He seemed a little confused or at least unwilling to surrender his bargaining power so easily. I went on to tell him that we don?t treat family or friends like a business deal. It?s important to play fair, but relationships aren?t 50/50. There is a natural give and take within the family unit, but you can?t brake everything down to an even trade.

Examples:

• Mommy cooks. Daddy does the dishes. (most of the time)
• Mommy cycles the laundry. Daddy folds it. (most of the time)
• Daddy brings home the bacon. Wheels takes out the trash. (most of the time)

If we tried to track everything and were constantly checking the balance of the ?scales? our focus is selfish. We want what we can get out of the ?deal? for minimal effort. If the ?scales? tip in our favor, sweet. If they tip toward someone else, outrage.

When we?re zeroed on serving ourselves like this we aren?t motivated by love, compassion or a family bond to serve anyone else sacrificially. Eventually we end up bitter and alone.

::

Obviously, I didn?t lecture poor Wheels with all of this. Basically, I told him:

Don?t manipulate your sister. That bear book wasn?t about making trades; it was about explaining bad dreams. Relationships are not transactional. Our family is not about ?this for that? and your sister actually wants to play with you. Go play.

?Questions: How many siblings do you have? What did you argue about most as kids? What was your favorite game?

Source: http://www.somewiseguy.com/transactional-relationships/

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